I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
