I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
