Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
