Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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