I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Life is so much better after having sex.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize