What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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