Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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