we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
