I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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