I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
