My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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