Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize