just come out here and I will go home with you...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
