And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
