And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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