so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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