he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
