He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
