There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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