I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
