it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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