I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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