in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
