shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
