Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
