I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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