probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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