So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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