My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
