I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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