Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
