5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
