I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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