The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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