It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
