Swine flu. Run for my life!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize