I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
