I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
