there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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