New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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