This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Vodka?
Forever.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
