Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
