I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
