My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
