she woke up with a sticky ear
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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