is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
