a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
