You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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