Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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