@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
