Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm bleeding and have questions
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
