Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
