I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
