in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
